Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
