OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
