call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
