look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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