last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
