I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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