I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
