Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
