Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
