seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
