You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
