a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
