He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
