Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
