i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
