Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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