It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
