I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
