I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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