I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My cat gives me a boner
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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