I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
