dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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