You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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