Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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