Moan for me like Helen Keller
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
