id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
