I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
