I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
