I'm so fucking centered right now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
