My underwear smells like fireworks.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So here I am, sexting at work.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
