Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
