it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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