I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
