I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize