Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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