9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
