What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
