Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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