I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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