Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize