He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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