my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
