I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize