Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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