so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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