you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
