we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
