After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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