We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
