I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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