yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
