There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
