last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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