drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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