Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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