Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
