I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
