dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
