i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
