I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
