Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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