I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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