I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
